


Unlovable

by DivineVarod



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Angst and Humor, Claustrophobia, Friends to Lovers, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Sleep Deprivation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-15
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-12-02 11:35:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11508600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DivineVarod/pseuds/DivineVarod
Summary: Oh no,Lister thought,what if the man is close to cracking up?This fear eclipsed his claustrophobia. Being locked in a lift with a delirious, hysteric, terrified Rimmer was surely theultimatehorror?





	Unlovable

Arnold Rimmer let out a massive yawn as he stretched his stiffened muscles. It had taken over fifty hours, but he had archived all of Red Dwarfs supplies and data. He would have congratulated himself on a job well done, but at that moment he was too tired and all he could think of was getting to his bed - or any bed in the immediate vicinity above floor 5, really. With a ship-worth of beds ready to accommodate his weary holo-bones he wasn't picky. Also, and he loathed to admit it; the neurotic archiving hadn't soothed him as much as he'd hoped, as he knew full well that the only reason he'd done it was to get away from _Dave Lister_.  
Lately things had been tense between them, fights and temper tantrums filled their bunkroom on at-least a twice daily basis. The budding friendship between them had slowly evaporated, much to Rimmer's silent dismay. He was unsure when or how this downward trend had started, but he did know that it was hurting him more than he ever wanted Lister to know. Arnold J Rimmer did not show weakness, did not long for the friendship of a filthy low bred Scouser. Arnold J Rimmer closed of, grew bitter and internalized until a bomb went off inside of him causing him to suffer a mental breakdown that had to be hidden from the entire crew, especially Lister.

* * *

A smegged off Scouser marched to the lifts on Floor 3. Dave Lister had spent a rather wasted afternoon in the A&R Room. Rimmer had been away for days now and to his annoyance he'd missed that insane Hologram like crazy. - Even despite his recent behaviour. He had never thought it possible but the man had been more insufferable than usual the last few weeks: picking fights, pacing the room at night, nit picking and staring at him far too intensely. It didn't just annoy him, but it also worried him: something was up with his companion and he didn't like that. For some reason he cared deeply, maybe too deeply, about Arnold J Rimmer and his sudden disappearing act bothered him.  
  
For some distraction he had gone to the A&R room, hoping to release some tension in a _“Pleasure Wave”_ game. In this game the waves translated themselves into whatever erotic fantasy you had on your mind at that moment. Today, though, the experience had been anything but calming, as for some reason the pleasure waves kept changing to Rimmer, the one person he'd been trying to forget. The experience had been quite traumatising, as he realised that his body responded quite happily to being handled by the man he'd spent half his life with. That was something he didn't want to think about … _or maybe he should?_

* * *

After nearly three days without sleep and many restless nights before that, Rimmer had reached the state of exhaustion where he could barely keep himself awake enough to keep standing while the painfully slow lift crept up to the living decks. Without distractions his eyes kept falling shut and he was half considering to stop the journey and just go to sleep somewhere, anywhere. His mood had reached a low that he had not experienced in a long time. So having the linchpin of his sleepless nights stopping, and sauntering into the lift on the 3rd floor just as sleep was within reach wasn't exactly the highlight of his day.  
To his surprise the Scouser greeted him with a big, beaming smile, followed by a worried glance.  
  
“Hey, Rimmer where've ya been? You look rough.”

The little glow of happiness Rimmer felt realising Lister might have missed him was quickly pushed aside. The fuzzy warm things Lister made him feel were part of the reason why he'd wanted to be away from him in the first place, they hurt too much. Anyway if Lister had missed him that much why had he not bothered to find him? No, he didn't care at all, he'd just missed someone to wind up to stop feeling bored. It was either him or that disgusting behaviour in the A&R room – where … Oh! _Where he'd just come from, hadn't he? Dirty little pervert!_  
  
“You're not exactly looking like Mr December either, Lister. Don't look at me like that, I know why you were hanging round here and it's disgusting!” The insult would have been pointier if he hadn't felt so woozy, if his eyes hadn't fallen shut between words. Now, running on empty his words clearly washed right over Lister as the Scouser took his hand and stared at him with concern. “Hey, what have you been doing all this time Rimsy? Are you ill? You need to go to medibay?” _Maybe, yes, there were beds there, beds … in medibay._ Lister was holding his hand, that was nice, more warmth. More things he should not feel. _Wait, how long had he been standing there? Had he fallen asleep for a second?_ Lister looked worried. _Wasn't he supposed to answer him?_

 ** _ZING!!!_**  
  
Before Rimmer had the chance to gather his thoughts this was the sound that went through the lift as it stopped forcefully, shook and threw Rimmer in Lister's arms. Then, for five seconds it all went dark before emergency lightning kicked in. It took five seconds longer for Rimmer to realise that he was still in Lister's arms, shaking with fear and that his bunkmate was cradling him protectively. Suddenly self conscious the Hologram quickly jumped away.  
  
_Don't be close to Lister, don't feel, don't feel at all, you are not worthy of love, especially now; You're just a Hologram, a worthless echo of a worthless person. No-one will ever love you, you are unlovable!_  
These were the thoughts that had been going through his mind for the last few months. Echoes from his dark past that had been amplified during the endless hours spent archiving. After a while they had turned into an endless torturing mantra.  
Panting Rimmer leaned against the wall as he tried to focus on what was going on.  
  
“Erm … sorry guys, just want to inform you: I am malfunctioning so had to stop for a bit. Not sure what to do now so alerting Kryten. Hope you're not too put out. Cheers.”  
  
The lift's perky chatty tones filled the awkward silence. As the lift's system clicked off the two men looked at each other in fear as the horrible realisation kicked in.  
  
“Wait, what?!” both exclaimed, united in horror. “ I'm claustrophobic!!”  
With a frown they glared at the person in front of them. “ You're claustrophobic? I'm claustrophobic!” they cried, once more in unison. Then Rimmer stepped backwards to look at Lister and just shook his head. Why? _Why was this happening?_ He was stuck in a lift with the person he'd been desperately trying to get away from just when he was tired, emotional and at his most vulnerable. All he'd wanted was to go to sleep somewhere. What had he done to deserve this? _And now Lister was claustrophobic too?_ He could barely keep it together as it was, what was he going to do if Lister started panicking as well? Why did he not know this, he'd spent decades with this man!!  
“Listy … since when are you … I've never known ...” Rimmer tried, hoping he'd get his best intentions across.  
  
Fear mode kicking in, Lister wasn't as patient as he usually was. Knowing full well that Rimmer was expecting that he'd look after him, as he usually did when something bad happened. _Not this time, no way._ “No, you don't, do ya Rimmer!!” He spat at the man in front of him.“You don't know any of my fears. That's because I'm always too busy looking after your smegging selfish arse.” Immediately he saw the confusion and worry rise in Rimmer's eyes, as the man stumbled backwards a bit. Oh, Rimmer's strange moodring eyes, they always gave away so much more than the man was aware of. Even now the sad worry in those eyes penetrated through Lister's fear. The Scouser sighed, maybe immediately lashing out at Rimmer had been uncalled for, after all the man had never known he was claustrophobic.  
  
Rimmer felt stung: what had he done? All he'd tried to ask was why Lister had never told him he was claustrophobic. That wasn't wrong, that was caring, right? Now he was accusing him of … of what actually? “What,” Rimmer asked in angry confusion, “now you're angry with me because you're not getting enough panic attacks? You're welcome to mine …”  
The Scouser in front of him shook his head in a way that Rimmer found rather patronising. “No,” Lister said, with a weary sigh; “I mean you never leave room for others to feel bad.” Nope, that didn't help. Rimmer just couldn't grasp it, _what was Lister going on about?_ What had he done wrong that Rimmer didn't understand. How could he control his physical reactions? As if he didn't already hate the way his body always betrayed him during times of great stress. “Seriously?” He asked. “Okay then Miladdio, tell me; What horror turned you into a claustrophobia sufferer?

Quickly Lister rambled though the story, the cashier at MegaMart, the run in with her husband, being sealed in the box and, after many threats being let out on stage. After Lister finished Rimmer glared at him, looking aghast rather than sympathetic.  
“What? That's it, is it? The amazing incident that gave you claustrophobia? Try 500 years in jail, try being locked up in a cramped basement for days by your own father, try _a smegging week in your disgusting constipated intestines._ ” And with that he started wheezing in panic, as listing all this had brought back all the horror and fear of the events.  
  
“Oh yes, so smegging typical of you. Arnold J Rimmer always has it harder than anyone else!” Lister began, furious at being brushed off like that. But then, just as suddenly, Lister froze, as it dawned on him what Rimmer had just said. Annoying as it was to have his own experiences belittled, the incidents that Rimmer had mentioned were horrific. He still regretted swallowing that lightbee. “Oh smeg, I'm sorry Rimmer, I … just realized what you said.”  
Quickly he moved towards Rimmer, who was turning slightly blue by now. Maybe he could calm him and then Rimmer could calm him. He begun to rub his back, for some reason that always calmed the Hologram. This time, though, to his surprise, Rimmer pushed him away. “Rimmer … what … Are ya crying?” The Hologram quickly wiped his eyes before looking at Lister again.  
  
“Go away you goit, you're just saying that to be polite. And … well … I'm the one who should be sorry. If that stupid experience caused you to have claustrophobia then … I shouldn't mock it. I know how much it hurts to have your fears ridiculed.” The Hologram stared at the man in front of him, eyes full of … what? Lister couldn't place it. “ Really, I'm sorry …”  
  
For a second Lister forgot his fears and his surroundings. This was new and rather confusing; Arnold Rimmer had never apologised in this way. The Scouser was momentarily at a loss of what to say. Mumbling a weak “That's okay … I guess …” just to fill the silence.

A still panting Rimmer swung round to face Lister, his face filled with horror and fear. “No, no it isn't. I crossed a line … the only excuse I have is that … I'm so smegging tired. I've been up for days doing inventory and … I was so looking forward to my bed.”  
  
_Oh no,_ Lister thought, _what if the man is close to cracking up?_ This fear eclipsed his claustrophobia. Being locked in a lift with a delirious, hysteric, terrified Rimmer was surely the _ultimate_ horror?  
  
“Why …?” Lister asked Rimmer softly.

He noticed that Rimmer focussed on his voice as if it was a lifeline. Good, he'd try talking to keep him sane. _Wait, wasn't that supposed to be Rimmer's job?_  
  
“Why … what?” Rimmer asked, as if trying to work through a thick haze.

“Why did you do that? Put yourself through that, I mean. It wasn't necessary and even if it was Kryten could have done it.” All Lister really wanted to say to Rimmer was: W _hy did you leave me? I needed you, I missed you. Maybe I could have helped you._  
  
Rimmer stared at Lister and then shook his head weakly. “I … I don't know …”

* * *

Meanwhile, twelve floors up at the other side of the ship, Kryten 2X4B 523P received an incoming call from a lift in deep shame mode. The message shook the homely Android to the core and he quickly scanned the ship to find the only remaining passenger on the enormous vessel.

“Mr Cat, sir, Mr Rimmer and Mr Lister appear to be locked in one of the lifts.” Kryten exclaimed as he dashed in on the Feline, whom was just about to tuck into a late breakfast – or an early lunch. “Would you join me in a rescue mission, please?”  
  
For a brief second the Cat glanced round the room, making sure that the strange felt tipped pointed robot had addressed him. When he couldn't see any others in his immediate surroundings he glared up balefully at the android in front of him.  
  
“Rescue? Are you crazy! Finally some peace at last. No fights, no whingeing, no curry stench. I think I'm gonna throw a party!!”

With that he got up to get himself another “chicken surprise” from the vending machine only to recoil as it spluttered a little grease and then sighed into blackness. Kryten's mechanical face formed something resembling a smile.  
  
“Erm, Mr Cat, sir … no Mr Lister also means the loss of your food machine fix person and snacks provider … And no Mr Lister plus no Mr Rimmer means two less admirers of any new costumes you might create. Your only company would be … ME!”  
  
And, as the Android had expected, the silly Feline swiftly spun round to face him, eyes filled with undiluted horror.  
  
“Hey, metal man, what are we waiting for?! Let's go save them!!”  
  
And that … was that.

* * *

“Listy … if … you plan to die from … I don't know … dehydration or starvation, could you please turn off my lightbee first? I couldn't face eternity alone with just your rotting corpse.”  
A big groan heaved from Lister's chest. Hours later and things weren't exactly getting better. In fact: Rimmer seemed to be getting worse.  
“Smeg sake!” The Scouser grumbled. “Mr positive or what?! Anyway, did you forget: when I go, you go!”  
For a second Rimmer's face twitched as the remark threw him, then he returned to his sulk. “Well, sorry for busting your mood Lister. But we've been in this smegging lift for almost three hours now and no-one has come to our rescue. Or haven't you noticed? I bet that stupid smegging lift never even alerted anyone!”  
  
Just then a clang, followed by a clang clang sounded through the lift. For a second the intercom sprang to life.  
“Mr Lister, Mr Rimmer!” Kryten's Canadian lilt sang song through the tiny space. “Please don't worry!Mr Cat and I are on our way. We …” And then the com fizzled out again.

“There ya go ...” Lister smiled. But Rimmer scowled and seemed even more upset than before.”  
“Kryten and the Cat? That's hardly boosting my morale is it? How is that even remotely reassuring?” The Hologram looked depleted and started rocking himself. Feeling worried about this Lister resorted to his tried and tested technique of simply chirping at him annoyingly to rile him.  
“Well, who did you expect? Superman? There's no-one here but us, you know.”  
In an instant Rimmer's face shot up and glared at him.  
“Well, they could have booted up an intellectual indoor projection to help them out.” He snapped.  
_Good man, take the bait why don't ya!_ Lister smirked.  
“What, you mean boot up an old crew member, let them go through all that heartbreak just to save our smegging lives?” Lister quickly argued.  
“Yes, why not?” Rimmer stared at Lister as if he truly could not understand the problem with this. This was fine by Lister as it meant not having to grasp at straws to continue this absurd debate.  
“You mean you really don't see what's wrong with that?”  
Rimmer blinked at him blankly. “No, they won't remember it once they're turned off again.”  
Lister snorted, then gazed at the man in front of him feeling puzzled. “Would you like that?”  
“What?” Rimmer asked, looking a bit confused.  
“Being switched on or off just to help someone?” The second he said it he realised that that remark might come across as callous. It did Rimmer froze and then glared at him. “No, I smegging hate it, every second of it, thank you very much.” He'd gone too far, Lister knew, this wasn't what he'd been aiming for at all. Smeg, Rimmer was too emotional right now. “Okay, okay, wrong example. But …”  
“Oh just shut up Lister, please, please!!” Rimmer exclaimed as he rubbed his temples wearily.  
“Rimmer, Kryten knows what he's doing.” Lister said tentatively, his voice gentler now. “We'll be out in no time and then you can go to bed. It's fine.”  
  
As he pinched the bridge of his nose wearily the Hologram took a few deep breaths. Then he slowly aimed a withering glare at his companion. “That's what I hate about you Lister, you're always so sickeningly positive.”

A cheeky grin met the death stare challengingly, now they were getting somewhere. “Okay, okay, you wanna vent? Does that calm ya?”  
  
As if Lister didn't know; this is what he'd been waiting for. He knew Rimmer well enough that this was how he got through every scary thing that was thrown at them: he displaced himself and lashed out. He went through the routine of grasping for power, pretending to be in command and then he insulted the crew and their importance to the mission, sometimes to the point of explaining which one of them could be sacrificed. Having gone through this routing he usually felt slightly better and actually became useful to the team. When first confronted with this behaviour Lister had been angry and had bickered with the man a lot. These days he knew Rimmer never meant the things he said at those moments, but needed this routine to feel in control in a bad situation. It was his crutch, a weird and annoying one, but a crutch all the same. Now Lister just went through the motions of being upset with Rimmer, keeping him bickering until the Hologram's anxiety attack calmed. It was exhausting but better than having him out of action, cowering in a cupboard somewhere.  
  
“Yes, it does.” Rimmer said tightly.  
Immediately Lister positioned himself in front of him, his arms crossed defiantly, a smug smile on his face. “Fine, go for it Rimmer, whatever.”  
  
Rimmer felt dazed: what was Lister up to, why was he challenging him like that? He was at breaking point, he needed a release. But did Lister have to be so close, so aggravatingly kind, positive and enticing? Yes, he needed to vent, if only to remind himself about just what it was that he hated about this man!!  
  
“I … I hate your positivity.” Rimmer began falteringly, his head pounding and his heartbeat drumming in his ears. “I hate how you shoot your toe nails in my bunk when you cut them. I hate that you understand astro navigation without having to study. I hate how you eat in bed, dropping your mess in my bunk. I hate the smell of stale beer and curry. I hate how you always disobey me. I hate your kindness and your calming smile. I hate the way your voice soothes me. I hate how I feel when I'm around you. _I hate that I love you and that you will never love me back!!”_  
  
**_Woosh!!_**  
  
The moment he said it, Rimmer felt as if he was sucked into a vacuum. Breathlessly he turned away from Lister, only to find himself still looking at the man in the mirror on the wall in front of him. His fist was in his mouth as his body was reeling from shock. What had happened? _Had he really said this?_ Yes, the look on Lister's face said it all. _No, no!!! How could this have happened?_ How could his subconscious betray him like that? Wait, he'd told Lister he was exhausted, maybe he could lie his way out of this. Better to break his heart than having to face Lister day after day with this between them.  
  
“You hate … Rimmer, what?” Lister asked, feeling dazed by this sudden very unexpected turn of events. Of all the things he'd expected Rimmer to tick off on his ridicules list of complaints this one hadn't exactly been in his top ten. Or anywhere on any list for that matter. He watched Rimmer in the mirror, his mortified face struggling for composure, his chest rasping for breath.  
  
“It was nothing, Lister, nothing. I haven't slept in three days, I'm hallucinating, leave me alone.”  
  
_As, smegging, if!_ Lister had heard the words loud and clear. Words from an open, unguarded exhausted man. Words that could only slip out on a moment like this. Words that were true.

“Rimmer, you said that _you love me_. How the smeg is that nothing?”

Desperate pleading eyes met his. _Oh no, was Rimmer ashamed of how he felt?_ Oh, of course he was, it was Rimmer a man so ruined by his family it was amazing he'd survived adolescence. This explained why he'd been so odd recently: the anguish and shame had been eating away at him for too long.  
“Lister, are you insane?” Rimmer rasped, trying to make his voice sound scoffing without much luck. “I said that I loath you. I loath you and hate the fact I can't ever get away from you.”  
Nope, Lister wasn't going to play that. They were clearly locked in this lift for a reason. If they were ever having this conversation it was going to be now.

“Yeah Rimmer, sure sweetheart. That's what you said. That is what I will hear when I playback this moment on the black box.” the Scouser smirked.  
  
Rimmer's face fell. He wasn't getting out of this one and … suddenly he realised that … he _didn't want to_. Decades of repression, of keeping his true self a secret, he couldn't do it any-more. He was broken and his soul – or whatever the heck a hologram had that passed for a soul – wanted to escape. It wanted Lister to know the truth, no matter what happened. “Okay, okay yes, Dave Lister,” He blurted out forcefully to stop himself from bottling out. “I Arnold J Rimmer am in love with you. Have always been in love with you, will always be in love with you. There, happy? Go ahead then, laugh at me, mock me, switch me off. I … I don't care but I can't live like this any-more.”

The Hologram threw himself in a corner of the lift, his head pressed against the wall, his body hunched, trying to make himself disappear. As silence filled behind him, he immediately regretted his actions. _This was it for him, the final humiliation._ What a fool he'd been; things had been rocky but it all would have blown over in the end, things always did with them. Now he'd lost Lister forever, he just knew it. Suddenly he felt a soft movement behind him, then there was a hand on his shoulder ...

“Wow … In this entire list of things you expected I'd do … never once did you consider I could feel sorry for you hiding who you are for so long. Me feeling flattered by you being in love with me. Me feeling slightly shocked and surprised but not adverse to what you're saying. In this entire list you made to stop you from ever telling me you never … once considered that I might be struggling with these same feelings too.”

His face twisted in pain and despair, Rimmer turned to face Lister. What was that man saying. Was this another dose of Dave Lister's famous pity?  
“Of … of course I never did. Why would I? You could never love me, no-one ever will.”

When Lister tried taking Rimmer's hands the Hologram quickly brushed him off. Lister had to be kidding him. This was a joke, a lie. The man was just using his pain to pass the time, for fun, like he'd done before. He moved away from him, infuriated there was no escape. If only his lightbee wasn't on remote control he could have switched to softlight and just walked out.  
  
“You're wrong. Rimmer. Listen to me. Come on Rimmer!” He heard Lister plead from far away. “Don't you get it? I've thought about you in that way. A lot. If I'd known you felt it too I would have … acted on it sooner.”  
  
For a second a spark of hope rushed through Rimmer, but he quickly quenched it before it could fill him. What was Lister doing to him? Why was he mocking him so? No-one could love him, it was what everyone had always told him. Now, after death, now he was an object, _a thing,_ he was even less deserving.  
  
“And there you go again, mocking me for a laugh,” Rimmer rasped bitterly. “Just to help pass the time. It doesn't matter, it's just me, eh? Who gives two smegs about Arnold Rimmer? Who gives one even? Who cares about a useless bloody Hologram”  
  
_Who could love a Hologram, an echo, a nothing?_ Rimmer returned to facing the wall, to be away from Lister and his false hope. His body shivered and he noticed his teeth were chattering. Fatigue was making him feel cold, which annoyed him. Sometimes he felt his functions were simulated a bit to accurately. In fact he didn't feel well at all.  
  
Rimmer was shivering, Lister noted. “You cold man?” He asked, taking of his jacket and wrapping it round Rimmer's thin shoulders without waiting for a reply.  
The Hologram turned round again as he blinked rapidly and stared at Lister with confusion. The man had clearly never experienced chivalry.  
“Lister … don't, you need to keep warm yourself, I'm cold, yes, but it's just … simulated … I …”  
  
All his feelings were going haywire and Rimmer felt ready to burst. His projection started to flicker as his lightbee was dangerously close to overloading with emotion and exhaustion. The lift was suffocating to Rimmer now, his breathing becoming faster again and for a moment he thought he'd faint. He swooned a little, then Lister took him in his arms, softly rocking him.  
  
“Rimmer, Rimmer, hey, man, what's wrong with you? Are you forgetting how real you are, how much you mean to me? Why are you so hard on yourself?” The man he loved softly whispered as he cradled him. “Because I don't know who I am any-more.” Rimmer gasped, the warmth of Lister's arms and jacket was making his confusion even bigger. This was all he'd ever wanted. Great, now he felt like crying, smeg, he already was!

“Hey, hey, what's this in aid of?” Lister exclaimed, feeling holo-tears prickling statically in his neck. “Rimmer, once we get out of here you're going straight to bed.”  
  
It was as if a dam broke as years of repressed emotions burst out of Arnold J Rimmer with a mighty force as he semi collapsed in Lister's arms. “It hurts, it physically hurts.” The Hologram sobbed. “No-one has ever loved me, I am unlovable, my parents said so. Everyone I've ever met knows that. Stop being nice to me, stop saying you could love me too, please.” Then he couldn't speak any-more, as overwhelming sobs took his breath away.

“No …” Lister simply said as he held the exhausted, weeping Hologram patiently. “No Rimmer, I am not going to stop. I am never going to stop. You said you loved me, I know I love you too. We can be together, share a life, heck maybe we could even be happy. I am not gonna let your fears ruin this for me, or you.” By now Rimmer was shaking so much he could barely keep standing. Lister helped him sit on the floor and ignored his protests when he pulled him closer. “No Arnold, you're gonna have to get used to this.”  
At that last sentence Rimmer froze as he looked up at Lister in surprise. “ _Arnold_ …? No-one, except Holly ever called me Arnold after my tenth birthday.” Lister smiled at him as he took a hanky from Rimmer's pocket to wipe the Hologram's tear stained face.

“You like it?” Lister asked, hoping small talk would calm the anxious man. “Probably … I don't know. Do I have to call you Dave now? Or David?” The Hologram looked so confused it made Lister snort. “Not sure … Maybe … I just keep picturing Ace Rimmer if you do.” Hearing that name Rimmer frowned. “I don't want to call you Dave if he did it first. I think I'll keep using Listy for the time being if that's okay?” With an indulging sigh Lister took his hand. “Sure, I always liked that …”

* * *

Meanwhile, in the drive room, Kryten was no-where near installing an override in the lift that could release Mr Rimmer and Mr Lister. It didn't help for him to be assisted by the most selfish creature in the universe.  
“Mr Cat, please, could you put the chicken tika down to press this button?”  
  
The Cat looked up from the bowl he was licking in utter confusion. He'd already done something today: he'd agreed to help, wasn't that enough? Did he really have to be active about it too?  
“Why? Looks like you got it all sorted.”  
  
Oh, Kryten would have pressed that damn button himself, but he couldn't remove his finger from the button _he_ was holding until the code the other one held was released. At moments like these he truly missed Holly.  
Suddenly a thought hit him and he shot a kind glance at the Feline. “Please Mr Cat, the blue suits your outfit.” He prayed he'd understood the mind of that weird shipmate by now.  
  
“It does?” The Cat screeched as he jumped of his chair and did a quick succession of spins. “I need to press that button!”  
  
Kryten smiled. “Yes, you do that Mr Cat!” It had taken a few decades but he finally had that kitty sussed. From now this rescue mission would be a lot less disrupted.

* * *

In the lift the two men had talked for a very long time. Lister had explained how he'd always felt about Rimmer, something that had touched the other man's heart deeply. Now it was his turn. Rimmer explained how confused he had always been about who he was. How his parents and almost everyone on IO had seen being gay as something despicable. How his feelings for Lister had almost driven him insane and how he'd used his function as “Lister's keeper” as a means to keep him by his side as he'd always feared the other man wanted to be rid of him.  
  
“So you told me I shouldn't leave to another room just to keep me by your side? As you didn't want to be without me? Not because it was a security risk?”  
  
Rimmer nodded quietly. “I told myself it was. I told myself I had to be there, with you always, as I was ordered to. The truth was I was scared ... not just of being alone but ... I was always terrified that you wouldn't need me any-more. Smeg, when Kryten came I was certain you'd switch me off.”  
  
For a second Lister's heart broke, why had Rimmer kept all that inside? No wonder he'd always been so stressed and difficult. He gently took his hand again and smiled at him.  
“Hey now, Rimmer man, I'd never. Wow, now I get why you hated him so much, you really thought he was a rival?”  
The Hologram gave a tiny smile. “It might sound silly, but I did. But you're wrong; I never hated the metal bastard. I just resented how much he meant to you.”  
Lister snorted. “Stupid man.”

Then Rimmer was quiet, except for uttering a soft whimper as his projection started flickering again.  
“Arnold?” Lister asked, worriedly as Rimmer had suddenly gone deeply pale.  
“I'm so tired …” Rimmer sighed, closing his eyes for a moment.  
“It's okay, I'm sure they're almost here Arn. Come.”  
  
Rimmer sighed in contentment as Lister pulled him closer, his embrace was warm and kind, it made him feel good. Then there was something soft on his cheek ... lips ... a kiss? A soft kiss? Then another one. Slowly Rimmer looked up ... "Listy ...?” He tried to ask, but half of the Scousers name was lost as Lister had chosen that exact moment to move to Rimmer's lips. The Hologram felt a bit of tongue slipping into his mouth as he was still speaking. His breath was taken away, he gasped, shook, then froze. This was confusing, it was too much at once! He was extremely sleep deprived, could he be hallucinating? Was all this even real? He moved away and cowered.  
  
"Arnie?" Lister was confused: didn't Rimmer want this? The man looked terrified as he curled into himself, hands wrapped around his head.  
"Promise me …" Rimmer whispered, his chest fluttering like a butterfly.  
"What?"  
Rimmer looked up, eyes clouded and moist. "That you are not a pleasure Gelf!"  
Now this was too much, Lister thought. Was it that hard for the man to believe he loved him?  
"Oh, Rimmer, come on!"

Then Rimmer unwrapped himself, got to his knees to face Lister and looked him in the eyes, tentatively placing his hand on the Scouser's cheek.  
"Promise me that you are not a pleasure gelf, a symbiote, a Psiren or any other far too realistic hallucination. Promise me that you are real and what you are doing is real. I ... I don't think I could take it if this was a lie or ... a prank."  
  
Feeling the cold trembling hand on his cheek Lister gazed at Rimmer; the man looked heartbreakingly scared but so full of longing and hope. He sat himself closer to the Hologram and took his shaking hands in his. He had to get this right, make Rimmer believe he genuinely meant this.  
"Arnold, I swear on everything I love and care for that this is real. That I am real and that what we are doing is real. This is not a prank, I promise you. I will never mock you or trick you. Okay, yes I will, but not about something so fragile and pure. Scouts honour, may all the curry in the universe rot away if ..."  
“If” what no-one would ever know, as at those words Rimmer's eyes had turned big. Then he hungrily enveloped the other man and pulled him into a kiss.  
  
After what seemed like eternity a completely out of breath Lister broke away.  
"Wow, what happened?"  
Warm, burning eyes met his. Eyes filled with joy and ecstasy.  
"Y... You meant it, I'm sure. You do love me! It's real. Dave Lister would never curse his curry unless he was speaking the complete and utter truth!”  
Lister grinned as he ruffled Rimmer's hair. "Don't you know me well, eh?"  
A delighted Rimmer smiled back at him. "Looking forward to getting to know you even better."  
  
For a second they sat in silence, then Rimmer looked up at Lister.  
"Could you hold me?" he asked softly.  
Lister didn't ask why; Rimmer had waited so long for someone to touch him, hold him ... love him. While he had longed for someone to touch. He'd do more than hold him.  
The Scouser scooped up the Hologram and started to softly massage and fondle the man. Gently he ran his fingers through Rimmer's hair till he shivered, then he massaged his shoulders while kissing his neck.

Every new touch sent an excited shiver through Rimmer. He'd never experienced sensations like this before. Soon he wished the lift would never start again, as Lister worked on his neck, his back and removed centuries of tension. Anxiety washed away until there was only relief. He felt so calm so happy ... so relaxed ... so … so sleepy ... Suddenly, for no reason he felt as if in a warm welcoming bath ... he felt ...  
"Listy … I …"  
“Shush now ...” Lister's voice said, as he vaguely felt a kiss on his cheek before he sank away completely, the last thing he sensed was Lister wrapping him into his arms as he pulled him even closer, from far away he heard; "Night, night dear Arnold …" then … blessed nothing.

* * *

“Hey look, you fixed the camera!! Well done bud!” The Cat screeched in delight. It had taken about five hours, but they were getting somewhere!  
  
The sight that greeted them monetarily derailed the mission: what was going on there?  
  
“Mr Cat, sir!! I don't understand! What is Mr Lister doing to Mr Rimmer!! Why are they so close?!”  
  
Kryten wailed as he watched Lister massage Rimmer's shoulders and kissing his neck in utter horror. The Cat grinned cheekily at the Androids upset.  
  
“Damn, I always knew this would happen. Humans are crazy like that. Don't look so sad metal bud. Fix the sound! I'ma gonna grab some popcorn then we can have a laugh!!”

* * *

It seemed the rescue party would be taking its sweet time and Lister was becoming fed up. His utterly exhausted partner had by now fallen into a deep, much needed, sleep. Rimmer lay semi sprawled over him, his head on Lister's shoulder, soft worn out snores filling his ears. Knowing how close to _(literally!)_ crashing from exhaustion Rimmer had been Lister didn't have the heart to move him in fear it would wake him. This meant that the Scouser was starting to feel rather cramped by now. Also, Rimmer's curls were very ticklish and he'd noticed a tiny bit of holo-drool on his jacket.  
On the other hand, he mused, he found he rather liked it: a warm sweet body sleeping pressed against him, someone to comfort … being needed.  
“Wish you'd spoken out sooner, you crazy smegger.” Lister said softly to the sleeping man, as a loving smile formed in the corners of his mouth.  
Ever so carefully he shuffled his body a bit to get comfortable, then he closed his eyes and began to think about what would happen now, how their new life together would be. Soon he too sank away in the deep, warm bath of sleep.

* * *

“Oh Mr Cat!! I can't believe it! We've done it!! We're in!” An ecstatic Kryten exclaimed two hours later. “Yeauw!!” The Cat exclaimed as he spun and high fived the Android at the same time.  
  
“Better believe it pencil head bud, we're the A-Team, the golden boys!!” For a brief moment they engaged in a rather bizarre victory dance. Then they refocussed their attention on the lift, making sure it would arrive at the correct destination.  
  
Having watched the romance evolve on the screen and noticing how happy Mr Lister seemed had calmed Kryten a bit. Not that he would ever understand it.  
  
“What will I do when they come out … what will I say?” The Android muttered worriedly: he didn't have a protocol for this. To his surprise the Cat wrapped an arm round him.  
“Just say nothing metal bud. Let them come to you when they want. Say nothing, just be glad all this tension and fighting is gone now!”  
  
A shudder went through Kryten's emotional file: this kindness from Mr Cat was new and had to be responded to carefully and properly. Slowly he turned his head to look at the Feline next to him. Yes, he had meant it.

“You know Mr Cat,” Kryten started. “I'd never thought I would say this but: I have misjudged you. Inside that vain and selfish exterior is … an even vainer and more selfish interior. But despite that you care and help out when needed. I … well … I like you sir!!”  
  
The Cat felt slightly flummoxed. This was the kindest thing that anyone had ever said to him!  
“Oh stop it bud, you're making my mascara run.” The Feline purred, searching for a way to reply. Cat's didn't really do compliments. “Well, I gotta say: for someone as hideous and unfashionable as you … you're not a bad guy …”  
  
The two stared at each other for several seconds.  
  
“Well, are we going to get these two idiots out of that lift or what?”

* * *

Despite having seen the events on screen, it was an odd sight for Kryten and the Cat to find the human and the Hologram sleeping together in a loving embrace in real life. How would they go about this without it being embarrassing?  
  
“Ahem ...” Kryten tried unnecessarily clearing his throat. “Mr Lister sir … Mr Rimmer?”  
  
No response., the Feline and the Android glanced at each other. Then Kryten piped up;  
  
“Oh my, Mr Cat sir, it seems I can't rouse Mr Lister! Would you like his curry?”  
  
The Cat smirked. “Sure do bud! Yum, yum, yum!”  
  
“Smeg of Cat, that curry's mine, I haven't eaten in ten hours!!” Lister growled, half asleep. “And add a couple of gallons of lager while you're at it!”  
  
“Oh, Mr Lister! You're back!!” Kryten cheered, ecstatic his plan had worked so fast.  
  
With a painful groan Lister tried to sit up to look at his shipmates, but something was laying on top of him. Then he remembered and froze. What had the others seen? Was he ready for this? Was Rimmer?  
He quickly wrenched open his eyes to look at his two friends with as much of a smile as he could muster.

“Hey you guys … I guess you're wondering?”  
  
More Android and Feline glances.  
  
“Not particularly, bud, we've seen the entire show.”

Lister swallowed. “Well … there you go. Well, we wanna continue that … be a couple maybe … see how it goes.” He looked up pleadingly, hoping he could stop this terrible excuse for an explanation. Thankfully Kryten got the hint.  
“Well, isn't that all perfect.” The Android made an effort for Mr Lister's sake. “I hope you two will be very happy together. Don't you, Mr Cat?”  
The Cat smiled brightly and nodded unnecessarily over the top. “If it means the endless fighting is over, that's fine by me.”  
Kryten rubbed his hands with glee. “Good, let's all go for a nice piece of curry then.”  
  
From his position on the floor Lister saw the odd couple turn and walk off. “Erm, guys, I'd like to join, but I've still got a sleeping Hologram on top of me!”  
Kryten turned back, the Cat though, had lost interest and wandered off.  
“He still isn't awake sir?” Kryten asked in surprise.  
“No …” Lister said, as he shook his new partner a little. “Arn, Arnie, wake up babe. Kryten's here!”  
Rimmer stirred slightly and wearily mumbled something that sounded like “mew, mew muh,” but did not seem to reach any form of consciousness.  
“Think he's really gone there, Krytes …” Lister said apologetically.  
“If he was unwell sir, maybe his lightbee thinks it best to keep him asleep for the time being. If it's okay with you Mr Lister, I could carry him to the bunkroom and put him to bed.”  
That was perfectly fine by Lister.  
So the zonked out Hologram was moved from the lift and gently carried to the bunkroom, where he would wake up late the next day without clue to how he got there.

* * *

How did he get here? Rimmer wondered worriedly the moment he opened his eyes. Where was the lift? Where was Lister? Had he gone insane? Had he dreamed the whole thing? Panic rising he sat up. “Listy!!” he cried out in fear. “Where are you? Listy!!”  
Immediately the doors swung open to reveal the man he'd been calling out for, carrying a breakfast tray.  
“Good afternoon Arnie dear, I trust you slept well.”  
_Arnie!_ Rimmer's simulated heart started pumping faster as he remembered yesterdays conversation. Lister had called him _Arnie!!_  
So it _was_ true? It _had_ happened?  
His breath going faster he looked at the man with a burning pleading, then blurted out;  
“Lister, was it, did we, were we ever?”  
  
A cheeky grin formed on Lister's face as he put the tray on the table and put himself in front of Rimmer's bunk.  
“What? You mean you wanna catch another lift with me? I certainly wouldn't mind a little going down!”  
  
Soon Rimmer knew without a shadow of a doubt that it was _all_ real.

**Author's Note:**

> I was given this prompt anonymously: "Rimmer and Lister get stuck in one of the lifts or a room or something. As Kryten and Cat bond over trying to rescue the two, inside things are getting tense. Eventually the two end up fighting and at some point, Rimmer accidentally confesses his feelings for Lister while they're listing off their problems with each other. At the end they either come out disheveled or are found asleep cuddling."
> 
> Hope it's what you wanted!!


End file.
